I felt like a grown up.
I hesitate to admit this, but I've kind of felt like a little kid pretending to be a grownup for a long time. I paid my bills and I went to work and I bought a few pieces of furniture, but I felt like it was a big trick. I walked and talked like a grownup but I was conning most people and they didn't realize i was just a punk kid.
I attribute feeling like a kid to a lot of reasons, but I want to talk more about why that changed. Now, I don't mean to minimize my life so far. I've seen a lot of things and I've had a lot of pretty unique experiences. However, I think for the first time in my life I am totally responsible for who I am and what I become, and I'm fully responsible for the maintenance of my own life. I've realized that in college or even in other places, if I didn't do something, it would often still get taken care of. Like the utility bill for instance. In college, if I didn't pay it, someone else in my apartment would and they would come collect money from me later. This is a good example of a lot of things in my life. I was never a terribly irresponsible person, but I've entered this new phase in my life where if I don't do something, it doesn't get done.
I've been telling people lately that my job has been kind of stressful and that I've had to work some extra hours. A lot of them have an interesting response. They say something to the effect of, "Oh don't worry, you're a great guy, I'm sure you'll be fine." It's interesting because I've realized that my job has nothing to do with how great a guy I am. My job involves a certain amount of work every week that needs to get done and needs to get done well. If I can't do it, I probably won't be able to keep my job. I can actually be a great guy and still be terrible at my job.
It's been a really stunning realization. There are a lot of places where we say do your best and things will work out, but suddenly I'm in a situation where my best has nothing to do with it. I either complete what I need to, or I don't, and if I can't do my job, they shouldn't keep me when there's other people who can.
Something has dawned on me and it's this attitude of: This is what the situation requires, so this is what I'll do. Best has nothing to do with it. It's like a young mother who wakes up in the morning to take care of her kids after staying up all night with a crying child. She doesn't think to herself, I did my best, the kids can take care of themselves for the next few days, I'm going to Cancun.
My dad worked a fair amount of hours for a large part of my life and I attribute a lot of it to three things.
1) He wanted a good future for our family
2) He had a good name to uphold
3) He did whatever was necessary to do his job well
Now I'm not trying to knock anyone who feels like they're doing their best and life isn't working out for them. Few things annoy me like someone who yells try harder when I'm giving it all I've got. I also don't want to make it sound like you shouldn't do your best. I believe that things work out for people who try to live their values and principles. But, I've found that I'm capable of a lot more than I ever gave myself credit for, especially in situations that demand a lot when I'm willing to do what it takes. My dad did it. He still does, and I've watched countless other people do it in my life, but I didn't really understand. Even now it's only really just dawning on me.
For the last couple weeks I've thrown work-life balance out. I think work-life balance is a good thing to aim for, but it's more important for me to be on top of my job. I need to leave work knowing that I'm doing at least good enough that I'll keep my job. I want my company to be glad I work for them than for me to leave because the clock struck five pm, or because I didn't put in the necessary time to become at least a decent employee. Once I'm actually good at what I do and I can do my work in the time it's supposed to take me, then I'll try to do all my work for the week in fourty hours, but until then I'll do what the situation requires.
Overall this feeling of 'Here's life. If this is what you want, this is what it takes.' Has really hit me. I'm realizing that if I want to be good at the Chinese, or the guitar, or be ready when an opportunity comes, it's all me. If I'm not ready when opportunity knocks at this point, it will be entirely my fault. The charted monorail that was the public education system is gone. I'm no longer driving one of those little cars at disneyland with a bar between the wheels keeping me on the track. I can go anywhere, but there is a price to pay.
I can hear the call of adulthood. I always thought it would be the sound of a bell tower ticking away at life, but I'm surprised because it sounds a lot more like the ocean with constant waves of opportunity.
